Observations

So, It’s Been A Rather Long Time…

Posted on by soundsbysteve

My apologies to the what, fifteen or so people that may or may not read this blog, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything. I feel like I’ve been rather busy, but upon reflection, I’m not sure how valid that statement is. I’ll try to briefly sum things up, starting withhhhhh…

*I finished off the semester with decent grades. (3.2, two A’s, two B’s and a fucking C in music theory, which I should’ve done a lot better in) Not only that, but I got into the fraternity that I had been pledging for during the semester! I’m really happy to be a part of it, and will even be holding an officer position next semester. Though not a guarantee by any means, I think this will be an amazing opportunity, not only for the networking benefits, but because of all of the great people in it. I’ve already met a multitude of cool folks that I otherwise wouldn’t have.

*Relatively speaking, I’ve been living a lot healthier. Granted, the drinking hasn’t really slowed down too too much, I am working out consistently at least twice a week and am eating a lot less junk and fast food. The fact that I actually get excited about eating vegetables should say something about my prior eating habits.

*All in all, I feel like I’m at a better and more resilient point in my life. Looking back, I think that this might be the longest stretch where I haven’t had any serious issues with depression in…shit I can’t even remember how long. Not to say that there isn’t days where I feel a bit bummy, but between school, working out and just having a solid group of people around me, the future doesn’t seem so hazy. By no means do I expect everything to be sunshine and unicorns shitting out rainbows, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like I’m at a point where I can deal with it. Not that I haven’t always had the tools to do so, I think I’m just in a headspace where I choose to open the tool box.

I apologize, that’s almost too sappy even for my liking, but now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can (and need) to start focusing back on this fucking blog. I need to be consistent and I need to do what I originally set out to do with this lil’ shit, tackle music. I spent at least a good five or six hours last night combing through old mix cd’s and others hidden gems in my rustic ol’ cd case, so expect some nostalgic bullshit to be coming on down the line soon.

~Steve

I Don’t Care How Old I Am

Posted on by soundsbysteve

Right now, I’m sitting here with some of my closest friends watching the newest Dragon Ball Z movie (Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods just in case ya didn’t know) and damn am I having fun. This is one of my favorite shows from when I was a little kid, and it was also the show that propelled me to start drawing. So I don’t care if I’m sitting here watching anime, I’m drinking with some close friends, and I couldn’t be happier.

Cheers!!!

P.S. There was also some Team Fortress 2 going on as well

(Tonight) We Burn Like Stars That Never Die

Posted on by soundsbysteve

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.

Fun way to start things eh?

Not that this is anything new for me to think about. As a soldier in the epicly annoying and rather long battle with depression, the thought is by no means a stranger. However, the reason I’ve been thinking about it so much lately is that an anniversary is approaching. December 9th will mark the one-year anniversary of the passing of a close friend of mine. I’ve known other friends who’ve died, as well as distant family, but this one hit a lot closer. This is someone I talked to on a regular basis, hung out with, and even at one point had rather strong feelings for. Nearly a year later it still hurts, and I know it always will.

But something’s changed recently. Maybe it’s my mania, but these past few days, I’ve been feeling almost…better (scary as shit right?) Most people would call me pessimistic, I like to think of myself as “realistic”. But that may be starting to shift. The thought occurred to me, with respect to my deceased friend, that I should “live” for her. Out of all of my friends, she was one of the most funny and outgoing, with a tongue as sharp as all hell. She wouldn’t want me to continually wallow in my own self-loathing, not getting shit done, and letting my twenties pass me by. She would most certainly not appreciate how on a nightly basis I race my liver to the bottom of a cheap whiskey bottle.

So I’m getting out!

I’ve started eating better, drinking WAY more water than soda, and tomorrow a school mate and I will begin a work out regiment. My hardest issue will cutting down on the alcohol. I’ve found out that I’m incredibly skilled at being a functioning alcoholic, but with patience and mental fortitude, I’ll hopefully be able to trump the demon. (or at least grasp the term “moderation”)

And goddammit I’m more going to get out there and be more adventurous. There’s a quote from one of my favorite bands, Cursive, that goes, “I wasted the best years of my life, waiting on the best years of my life”. I won’t do that anymore. I’ve identified my comfort zone, and I’m going to break it the fuck down. There’s a song I’ve been listening to that exemplifies this new found mentality, and here it is:

Now excuse me, it’s my day off and this might be one of the last warm days before winter kicks my ass.

Cheers, and much love, always and forever, to Natalie.

City skylines, sunsets, and other Hallmark card cliches brought to you by…

Posted on by soundsbysteve

Right now, I’m sitting on the rooftop deck of the Student Union at my college. The sun is setting, I’m streaming a soon-to-be-released album from a band that I’m rather fond of* and, according to the weather widget on my macbook, it’s 68 degrees. This is about as close to bliss as I’m going to get. To accompany this, I have an amazing view of Kansas City, more specifically the “Midtown” and “Plaza” parts of it. The town is lit up and shining bright, and you can almost feel the pride emanating from just about every damn person here. The Royals not only made it to the play-offs but somehow managing to get to the World Series, and every Kanas Citian (City-an? City-ian? Fuck it just pick one)is on the verge of loosing their shit in a very positive way. Because of all the excitement surrounding this city lately, as well it being a silent rule that you WILL wear blue (or dare face the consequences) I’ve been thinking about pride and one’s love for where they live or where they’ve come from.

First things first, I really don’t give a shit about baseball. For me, it’s pretty fun actually being at the game, especially once I’ve convinced myself to drop a ten dollar bill for one watery beer, but other than that, I’ll take football. Or reading a book.

As a kid, I grew up in Lee’s Summit, a burgeoning suburb of Kansas City. It was a  whitewashed, middle-class standard-issue suburbia existence, but it wasn’t bad, other than learning to deal with white people who swore up and down that they weren’t racist, when in fact they were. But I always saw people who got overly zealous about Kansas City and HAD TO HAVE KC memorabilia for every part of their body. (no word yet on KC condoms, but something tells me a product like that is on its way) I never understood what the big deal was, it’s just a city. It has its good, its bad, and it’s barbecue. Oh, and if you’re from the area, you automatically have to love Techn9ne, even if you don’t like rap.

All of that changed when I actually moved from the suburbs into the city. I moved out to the midtown/westport area where the bars were a-plenty, the living was cheap, and some sort sort of “ill shit” was guaranteed at all hours of the day. Suddenly, I was engaged in the ongoing of the city. I was one of the many blood cells pumping through and sustaining life for it. The “city” was so different from the “suburbs” culture. The people and the way of life was just so, fuck I don’t know. I wish I could really hammer it down in an explainable way, but all I can say is that to live it is to love it. I imagine that this is the same for many people, growing up and moving to where all the action is at. Hell, a lot of people probably don’t like it, which is completely understandable too.

Wait, where the fuck was I going with this? I guess what I’m trying to say, in a manner that isn’t entirely cohesive, is that I have a newfound respect for, and am happy to say, that I’m from Kansas City. It’s my home, and always has been. One day I may move, and I would love that too, but for now, I’m happy here. (until the godforsaken shit storm that is our midwest winter arrives, then I want San Diego)

~Me

P.S. I still don’t own any “KC” gear, and I have no intentions whatsoever of ever purchasing any. Well, maybe a t-shirt. Actually, fuck the t-shirt, I’ll take a KC bottle opener. There, I’m meeting in the middle.

P.P.S One thing that I didn’t talk about, that I probably should have, was the other people’s fandom for Kansas City. Did they have the same life experiences? Were they merely wearing a shirt that they picked up from Price Chopper on the cheap? Are they exhibiting behaviors that fall in line with American’s tendencies to be super nationalistic? Oh well, maybe I’ll look into that later on.

annddddd finally:

*The album I was listening to was “Keep You” by Pianos Become the Teeth. A rather depressing album all in all, but damn good. Check them out if you enjoy La Dispute, Make Do and Mend or Touché Amoré.

My view.

My view.

“And on that day, I was spat forth from the gaping womb that is the Internet…”

Posted on by soundsbysteve

A few weeks ago, I made this blog with the intention of becoming involved in the cyber world in a way other than just the usual Facebook/Instagram way. I was going to break away, communicate and trade ideas with people I’ve never (and may never) meet, share my thoughts on music and other concepts, and all in all try and grow as a person. Well, grow as much as one can while staring at a laptop screen. However…dot dot dot

I’M. SELF. FUCKING. CONSCIOUS.

Now why, in a realm that thrives on remaining unknown while still shouting the most absurd things possible, would I be so weary of what others thought? First of all, my main concern came from the thought of, “why the fuck would anyone care about a damn thing I have to say”? Next, “what in the name of all holy hell AM I going to say”?

My original intent was: “DO MUSIC REVIEWS, PEOPLE WILL CLAMOR FOR A STRANGER’S UNQUALIFIED THOUGHTS ABOUT BANDS AND SHIT!!” But then, is that what I want to hang my proverbial hat on? What if something else crosses my mind that’s non-music related and I just have to get it out onto the digital page and I’m far too lazy to make another wordpress blog (and believe me I am). Well then, maybe I should make it more along the lines of a “lifestyle” blog, where I just post about whatever happens to cross my path. But then the question arises, “Who would want to hear the nonsensical, self-depricating ravings of a twenty-something drunkard?”

Then, all at once, the neuroticism stopped, like the calm before the storm. (Like that one scene from Twister, you know, right before Helen Hunt’s truck falls from the sky) It occurred to me that A) it doesn’t matter what the hell I put on here, no one is going to see this and 2) I just wasted an enormous amount of time worrying about jack shit. In the end, none of this matters. There will obviously be folks who don’t like what I post, and probably for a multitude of good reasons. BUT, if I intend to immerse myself in this godforsaken interwebz, then I have to put myself out there and well, you know, humility and shit.

So, what did we learn today? I rant too much.

My sincerest apologies.

P.S. That first music review is comin’ like a freight train.