I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.
Fun way to start things eh?
Not that this is anything new for me to think about. As a soldier in the epicly annoying and rather long battle with depression, the thought is by no means a stranger. However, the reason I’ve been thinking about it so much lately is that an anniversary is approaching. December 9th will mark the one-year anniversary of the passing of a close friend of mine. I’ve known other friends who’ve died, as well as distant family, but this one hit a lot closer. This is someone I talked to on a regular basis, hung out with, and even at one point had rather strong feelings for. Nearly a year later it still hurts, and I know it always will.
But something’s changed recently. Maybe it’s my mania, but these past few days, I’ve been feeling almost…better (scary as shit right?) Most people would call me pessimistic, I like to think of myself as “realistic”. But that may be starting to shift. The thought occurred to me, with respect to my deceased friend, that I should “live” for her. Out of all of my friends, she was one of the most funny and outgoing, with a tongue as sharp as all hell. She wouldn’t want me to continually wallow in my own self-loathing, not getting shit done, and letting my twenties pass me by. She would most certainly not appreciate how on a nightly basis I race my liver to the bottom of a cheap whiskey bottle.
So I’m getting out!
I’ve started eating better, drinking WAY more water than soda, and tomorrow a school mate and I will begin a work out regiment. My hardest issue will cutting down on the alcohol. I’ve found out that I’m incredibly skilled at being a functioning alcoholic, but with patience and mental fortitude, I’ll hopefully be able to trump the demon. (or at least grasp the term “moderation”)
And goddammit I’m more going to get out there and be more adventurous. There’s a quote from one of my favorite bands, Cursive, that goes, “I wasted the best years of my life, waiting on the best years of my life”. I won’t do that anymore. I’ve identified my comfort zone, and I’m going to break it the fuck down. There’s a song I’ve been listening to that exemplifies this new found mentality, and here it is:
Now excuse me, it’s my day off and this might be one of the last warm days before winter kicks my ass.
Cheers, and much love, always and forever, to Natalie.